February 4, 2004
Short, Brutish and Nasty
If you didn't check out the gopher page the other day, here's the executive summary of the adult male's life:
  • Mid-February: Wake up alone in a cold, dark room. Spend a week or so chewing on frozen bits of grass seeds left over from the summer before.
  • March: Romp around in the early spring snow. Get in several fights with other males over frozen bits of seeds and life in general.
  • Later March and April: Try to find some romance. (Keep in mind that gopher gals are generally mean and nasty critters who only get "in the mood" for a couple of hours one afternoon in early spring.)
  • May and June: Pig out as much as possible. Don't forget to store up a bunch of seeds for the winter.
  • July: Retire underground, remaining in a state of torpor, interrupted by short bouts of wakefulness, leaving the world above-ground in charge of the youngsters, who won't go to sleep clear till Fall. The little varmints are hoping to build up enough strength to kick your a*s, take your seeds, and steal the hottest babes when next February rolls around.
Sound familiar?
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